From the Harvester Newsletter
January - February, 2006
I Don't Feel Old
Dr. David Wallover
If you are in your early thirties, twenties, or teens, I want you to know something: I haven’t intentionally gotten old. I am not intentionally forgetting what the dilemmas are like starting out in life, finding your place in your family of origin as you are no longer a child, but not yet viewed as a full-fledged adult. You are taking your place in the community and starting a career; maybe you are finding a mate. And if you have already found each other and survived the strains of the wedding process, then there is the question of starting a family. And if you have received the blessing of a child, you must now endure the exhaustion of late nights and middle nights and early mornings with diapers and feedings and schedules and work and household duties and community commitments, and extended family. . . . Then there’s the job: I understand being low man on the totem pole, being expected to know stuff and yet, just because you are younger, not perhaps having the respect that you might feel you deserve. In the midst of that dynamic, you are trying to be both a hard worker and to make time for your family. If you are a two-income household, the problems are magnified ten-fold then throw in childcare and guilt-trips on top of it. I do remember these things. Some of these dilemmas are still current for me, like balancing home and work. Life in a middle-class environment is not easy to manage at times, especially when raising a family. The stress factor can be off the charts.
No, I am not intentionally getting old. And at 47, I don’t feel old (in most ways, that is, except for keeping up with you teens. THEN I feel old . . . at any rate . . .). I am, however, aware of changes in my outlook and priorities. New Year’s Eve presents me with a vivid reminder of the changes that are occurring. This holiday is not the big event it used to be. Not that I don’t enjoy being out with friends and ringing in the New Year. I do! But I once thought my parents were boring on New Year’s Eve (when they were in their fifties and older), because they would elect to stay in and watch Johnny Carson to watch the ball drop but fall asleep at 11:45, only to wake up at 12:30 and realize that they’d missed it . . . again. Now I know better: They weren’t boring; they weren’t even bored. They were just catching their emotional and spiritual breath with each passing year. And with each passing year, it takes a little longer to catch that breath. The thought of resolutions becomes, if not laughable, at least amusing, because there is enough experience now to realize that those resolutions will soon be broken - oh, well. I may have mentioned this last year (another senior aspect, am I repeating myself?), but our mentor, Stu Batstone, has begun to refer to such lists as his New Year’s Repentances. So apt. In addition, the difficulty of aiming at such hoped-for, intentional changes is made more complicated due to emerging health problems as we grow older. As my parents aged, and their friends with them, their conversations increasingly turned to the topic of everyone’s health, and the difficulties in maintaining it. Not a choice, as in Now I will obsess on my health; rather, it is simply reality: Our bodies are wearing down, and we must face how to cope with that dimension in ways we never had to as younger men and women. In the arrogance of my youth, I used to think otherwise.
Indeed, in the arrogance of my youth, I used to think a lot of things. Not that there isn’t an arrogance of age - there is! Yet whether old or young, regardless of the triggers, it’s still just arrogance. And maybe that’s the point I’m trying to zero in on here: The New Year is better served if we reflect on those aspects of our lives where we see the arrogance, and do ask God for the grace of repentance and faith. Maybe, regardless of whether we are caught in the trap of middle-class exhaustion born of materialistic ambitions, or the trap of becoming cynical and angry at changes due to age over which we have no control maybe it amounts to the same thing: God would still gain and hold our attention. He would still direct our attention to His Son - to the Good News that He sets us free from the guilt and power of sin - just by believing Him, trusting Him in the midst of situations or circumstances or relationships for outcomes (both inward and outward) we cannot control or produce - only He can, only the Holy Spirit Himself, by means of faith in Him!
So, I don’t know if I’m old or young I’d like to think I’m growing in any case. I’d like to think that I’ve reached the middle camp on the trek up the Mt. Everest we call Life. For aging, it seems to me, is not about going over the hill. It’s much more about rising to heights to which (ultimately) only the Lord can carry us and then we soar into heaven on the wings of eagles, on His wings! Happy New Year, Beloved! Ring it in even if you have to wake up after the fact to do so. And may God bless us all with new depths of faith that will carry us all to new heights of strength and hope.